Godiva Gallstones

On birthdays and holidays, many girls get chocolates or flowers from their fathers, but my dad is a little different.

One day I receive a package of Godiva gallstones. Wow! I imagine glistening gallbladder sacs sliced open, oozing with coconut cream, cherry chunks, or nutty nougat, and then I lift the cover off the gorgeous gold box to discover seventeen clear containers with tight-fitting lids. Arranged artfully inside—like specialty chocolates—each tiny jar a surprise: from purple-pigmented pebbles to tan tapioca pearls, tricolor treasures to jaundice-yellow gems. One has a solitary three-centimeter rock. Ouch!

An inflamed gallbladder is painful. But who gets gallstones? In medical school, they taught us a simple way to identify the typical patient. Just remember the four Fs: Fat, Fertile, Females, in their Forties. Now I’m excited every time I see heavy middle-aged women walk into the clinic.

I smile as a big lady named Belinda walks in. She says, “I got shooting pains in my belly going to my right shoulder blade, Doc.”

On her exam I note pain in the right upper quadrant of her abdomen. I try to hide my excitement. “I bet you have gallstones. Let’s get an ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis.”

“Really? Gallstones?” she asks.

“Wait, wait, wait. I have to show you something.” I open my gold box. “Look Belinda! Aren’t they beautiful?”

“I got gemstones in my belly?”


(Excerpt from: Pet Goats & Pap Smears)

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4 comments on “Godiva Gallstones
  1. Sarah says:

    OMG. This should not have made me laugh (being a sufferer), but it did.

    By the way…three cm? Double-ouch.

  2. Sarah says:

    @the Sarah above: I was JUST going to say that. I laughed out loud (and winced a little in remberance).

  3. Richar says:


    This is really funny.

    What I really appreciate is how you inwardly laughed when you diagnosed a case of a disease that you really love. I felt the same way!!

    However, now when I see a new case of “Sham Peer Review” or State Medical Board abuse, I feel a sense of sadness. I always listen very carefully to the tone of the voice. Besides listening carefully to the caller’s “story”, I take particular note of the tone of the voice. I always wonder to what extent the Physician is depressed or even if a doctor is suicidal.

    Phone calls to us in the middle of the night are always urgent until we suspect otherwise.

    Keep up your writing !!

    Richard Willner
    The Center for Peer Review Justice
    info@PeerReview.org 504-621-1670

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